Self Promotion and the Heebeejeebies

I have a problem with self-promotion. The smell of it even, gives me the heebeejeebies.

I don't want to use the world's methods to tell you about the things I'm doing, my podcast. I want you to stumble upon it and fall in love with my friends and with story and be transformed by the Lord.


But, I know how this game works – likes, clicks, retweets, shares, an ego-driven, narcissistic, Make-A-Name-For-Yourself-Rock-Star Culture where other people are assets, opportunities, and being INFLUENTIAL is the goal, and being famous here instead of There is the secret desire of a greedy, grabbing heart. That's the hustle. Right?


It terrifies me to come across that way. I feel I can't risk it. 


Am I the only one who finds this hard? Is there a clean way to talk about God while we share our work for Him? These are real questions.


I annoy myself greatly. I go through periods where I want to sneak off into the woods for a life of near solitude to avoid watching the government self-destruct. Then I go through other periods where I want to live in one giant social experiment and join a commune.


My perception of myself with all these discrepancies is about as reliable as a carnival mirror. How I see myself is simply not accurate to truth. I exhaust myself trying to find balance.


Which is why I need my pack. I desperately need trusted people in my life to tell me true.


After a long coffee date with a sister this morning, I know that I want to work on my craft and sit back and let God handle the rest. God can raise me up if he chooses. Meanwhile I will vacillate between wishing He would and begging He won't. (Hermit/Commune--I'm exhausting.) But the bottom line is that I AM A SERVANT. And servants don't make names for themselves. 


I am not claiming to do this promotion thing perfectly. I am a squirmy hot mess. And I keep trying to slip into the woods. But, God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him, and friends, I am so happy doing this work.


I have seen God's hand in my life and the lives of my friends and it feels backwards to not shine a light on it. I pray you see my heart.


Meanwhile, I will keep looking to my role models who seem to have found a comfortable place between squirmy and grabbing, as a poet I love says, telling their stories and telling them true.